The prune rant.

An advertisement along the side of my email says "Healthy meals delivered - as low as $4.95 a meal."

Um, no ..

How fucking stupid are people, anyway? Excuses, excuses.

"but I'm too busy to shop/cook/pay attention to the fact that I have become a fucking mindless sheep .."



And then there are the ones who are so twisted up in fear of "bad foods" that they eat an incredibly restricted diet, then come bleating to me for some herbal remedy because they haven't had a decent crap in months/years.

I say "stewed prunes, easy peasy, you'll crap good".

They say "but they're so sweet and sweet is bad and stewing them takes 10 minutes and I don't have time!!!"

And I say "try prunes anyway. Every day for a month, you'll see."

And they say "but but but .."

And I wanna say "oh just fuck off .."

But instead I go through the lengthy explanation of how prunes work and how guts work and how not only will prunes help them crap but they'll protect bones and blood vessels and mental health in the long run too, then POOF, they disappear, hopefully to eat prunes and have better bowel movements but how would I know since they've disappeared without so much as an acknowledgement that I took the fucking time to try to help them when they could have helped themselves but they're too fucking sheep-like to do so ..

Which brings me to the ones who eat ever-so-carefully but they feed their kids chicken nuggets.

Organic chicken nuggets of course.

But they've fallen for the meme of "my kids won't eat anything else and I don't have time to argue with them!" (which really means "I'm afraid of my children so I'll set them up with poor health for life because I don't have the guts to be a real parent ..").

And then they write to me bleating for some herbal remedy to help the kids sleep or concentrate or poop. Kids like prunes, and kids who can poop sleep better, and kids who sleep better can concentrate better but you know what they'll say, right?

"but but but .."

Yeah, those folks can just fuck off, too.

Time?

Of course you have fucking time. All of you do, no excuses.

You don't need herbal remedies, you need a swift kick in the ass.

Leave work at the office.

Cook, grocery shop, sweep your floor, do your dishes, do the laundry, read your kids bedtimes stories, repeat. Live your life, and in the time that's left over, make love to your spouse, sleep. Pray once in a while - not begging, thanking.

There. Fixed your life for you.

You're welcome.

But seriously folks, do not fear the prunes. Forget the probiotics and the prebiotics and all that other fancy stuff for a moment and try the tried and true.

The number one complaint in my email is about gut health (bloating, constipation). #2 is wacky hormones (with bloating and constipation). #3 is aching joints (with bloating and constipation). ALL of these issues are often resolved, over time, by eating prunes. It's a fucking miracle what those wizened up plums can do.

People are so fixated on the idea that something that looks so simple can't possibly be effective but that, my friends, is a form of egotistical snowflake bullshit.

Everyone wants to think their health problems are complicated and require expensive and probably exotic remedies. But they're probably not. They might become complicated if not dealt with. But really, those remedies that your granny swore by? She swore by them for a reason.

So first, no matter what the issue is, try stewed prunes. It's a fucking miracle what being able to poop right can do for the rest of the body's systems.

And please stop writing to me about your bowel movements. Seriously, just stop!!